


black tears

by hanjt



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Child Abuse, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, MORE TAGS TO BE ADDED - WILL ADD AS STORY PROGRESSES, Other, Running Away, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-23
Updated: 2018-03-26
Packaged: 2019-03-08 11:10:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,599
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13456992
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hanjt/pseuds/hanjt
Summary: To get away from their life's hardships, Reiner Braun and Bertholdt Hoover run.Run.Run.Into more danger, where they meet weary and mysterious strangers. The two will have to learn to forget their past and survive, or be left behind to rot.





	1. perceive

**Author's Note:**

> this is going to be my first multi chaptered fic, and i have to say that i am really excited to see where this story heads. i apologise for any problems, as i am still new to this platform, but i truly hope you enjoy!
> 
> also a warning to make sure you check the beginning of every chapter, as i will put trigger warnings here for each chapter. they're also in the tags, too, but yeah. another warning that this fic will get intense in some moments - i'm not all for writing smut but it will get violent at times. that's all, thanks!
> 
> i will try to update this story regularly. <3
> 
> warnings:  
> mentions of child abuse - not graphically described.  
> self-loathing behaviour.  
> ask if you want me to put any other warnings about the following chapter.

The setting sky was a mixture of flamboyant colours despite the cool moisture hanging in the air. Dark clouds hovered ominously in the distance, concealing a raging storm that would soon pass over the humble town of Shiganshina. The city was small, with around five thousand people living in the area. If you wanted a nice pair of jeans, you would have to drive into the next town – Shiganshina didn’t have any clothes stores decent enough for anyone but the locals. But they sure had a hell of a diner. _A Taste of Titan,_ the diner was called. No one knew what the name meant, and no one asked. All everyone knew was that it had the best greasy food over the radius of a few long miles.

A thin teenager sat in a cramped booth in the old diner, worn out cap pushed low over his weary eyes. From beneath the hat he watched the sky beyond the dirtied window of the parlour. He got lost in the way the grey clouds rolled across the clear sky, the way the rain began to fall lightly like it were tears from a goddess. The weather grew intense still, the wind harsher now and the rain whipping at the glass. What had felt like minutes could have possibly been an hour... but in Shiganshina, weather could go from peaceful to awfully drastic in the matter of moments. The boy craned his aching neck around to check the diner’s clock. It hung over the bar, and read 7:38 PM. He shifted uncomfortably in his seat as the minute hand flicked, the small interaction suddenly mounting his overwhelming anxiety and making his breath quicken in an almost desperate matter.

It’d been thirty nine minutes and Reiner still wasn’t there.

He pulled out his phone with forced calm and tried his best to ignore the way his hands were _still_ shaking. The device opened to his most recent conversation.

 

_[6:58 PM] Me:_

_Reiner, something happedn – Titan right now?_

…

_[6:58 PM] Me:_

_Please. im sorry_

He internally cringed at the pitiful sounding texts – they sounded so weak and helpless. Perhaps he was. For occasions like these he would usually hide in his own house and cry until he passed out, and sometimes he’d call Reiner over to their normal booth at the diner and revel in his best friend’s comfort... but this time was different.  It was urgent, and Bertholdt was suffering – from both physical wounds and emotional, horror of himself and the situation at hand sitting in his throat like bile.

 

_[7:00 PM] Reiner:_

_i’ll b right there, k bertl?_

_i hope he didnt take it 2 far this time_

Bertholdt stared at the texts that were sent forty minutes ago, pulling his jacket tightly against his torso. It hurt to do so, but he had to make sure none of the bloodied shirt he hadn’t had time to change out of was revealed. There was no one else in the diner, as it was usually slow on Mondays ( _most days_ ), but he still couldn’t risk any of the employees finding a weak and gruesome man in one of their booths.

After silently placing his phone face-down on the crusty table, he stared outside once again. Was it the injuries his body held or the weather outside that was making his eyes blur? Bertholdt tried to blink the bleariness away. He sat in silence, the radio behind the counter playing an old 80’s song. He felt like a decaying corpse, letting the upbeat song wash over him, which wasn’t fair when the world was like this. For the world wasn’t upbeat, but sad and surprising in the worst way. Just when you think you are in the clear, something snatches that away and spits it right back into your face, all while laughing at you mockingly. As the song continued to play, he felt himself slowly sinking into his own shadow. The guilt took his hands in a loving way akin to how a lover would, and regret whispered sweet-nothings into his ear. Self-loathing pressed a soft kiss to the back of his neck, sending chills down his spine. Negative emotions flowed from and to him, they held ( _crushed_ ) his heart, and it felt as if it would never end.

It was only when the slamming of a door and a melody of a bell sounded did he snap out of his episode. Cold sweat beaded along his forehead. He didn’t have to look up to know who it was. He waited for Reiner to slide into their booth, to place a hand on his shoulder and ask to see where it hurt – like he always did on nights like these.

Reiner sat across from him, his mouth already open to speak, but a frown creased his stoic expression and he stopped himself for a moment. His eyes filled up with fretful confusion. It was like he could already sense that something was _different_ about this very night.

“Why’re you wearing this?” Reiner finally asked, looking at the cap. He reached over, and even with Bertholdt’s feeble attempt at trying to avoid it, Reiner managed to grab the hat off. He stared at his face, mouth hanging open.

“Fuck, Bertholdt…” Reiner said under his breath, looking closely at the bruise on Bertholdt’s squinting left eye. It had already begun to bloom into an ugly purple, puffing up a forth of his long face.

Bertholdt stared down at his phone, feeling horribly iniquitous. The feeling ate him from the inside out.

Reiner wore his usual concerned expression now – eyebrows knitted together, mouth pursed, eyes full of care and slight panic. The expression he wore every time Bertholdt and he met up under these circumstances, when Bertholdt was abused and hurt. But there was a difference to it this time. Something graver was etched into the lines of Reiner’s face, making him look so much more mature than what he was.

“He never touches your face,” Reiner whispered, eyes widening with the realisation. It was true – because if Bertholdt’s father always hit him across his cheek, people would find out. So he instead hit him in places that could be covered up.

Bertholdt tried looking up, only for his eyes to fall back down to the table. His voice was caught in the back of his mouth, words that were meant to project instead choking him. “I… h-he’s…”

Tears welled up in his eyes, making his head feel light yet heavy at the same time. The urge to vomit resurfaced from before. Reiner looked shocked, for this was different, unscripted. Usually Bertholdt would come with sore ribs, or aching arms, but never with this. Reiner still didn’t know if his friend had anymore injuries.

Reiner was the single person that knew Carl Hoover beat his only child. Bertholdt had told him so about five years prier – when Reiner had been twelve and Bertholdt eleven. What were they meant to do about it? The police were duds in this town, and even if they decided to actually do something about it, Carl would find a way to worm out of the case and cover it up. The old man had his sources, and money. So it wasn’t like they could ever run away. Reiner couldn’t. He hadn’t ever thought Bertholdt could. But right in that moment, staring into Bertholdt’s terrified eyes, Reiner thought his best friend might be able to now.

He continued to stare into those haunted eyes, and whatever Bertholdt said next, Reiner knew it would change everything. It would make everything so much more _real_.

“I killed him.”


	2. determine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reiner and Bertholdt are finally on the run and are planning what their next move will be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you all for the kudos and comments! i appreciate all your words. if there is anything missing from this chapter, be sure to tell me. <3
> 
> warnings:  
> one slight description of violence.  
> there isn't much else too graphic in this chapter, but please ask if you want me to put any other warnings about the following chapter.

He was on fire.

Bertholdt looked down to his hands as they melted before him. The charred skin peeled away in slithers, soon revealing bright red muscle and pure white bone. Burnt meat greeted his sense of smell. He didn’t feel the flames licking against him, nor did he feel his body dissolving in the heat – Bertholdt felt only the tearing of his insides, the way they twisted and made him _hurt_ , how the crippling affliction made him want to weep until the day he died.

Deep down, he knew he deserved it.

Laughter floated around him and the fire. It came from all directions and attacked him like a well thought out strategy. Through the excruciating pain he squinted. Past the flames stood a taller man, his shoulders moving up and down. He was the one who was chuckling. A giant he was, with his lean arms and pencil-thin legs, large and dangerous hands. His piercing green eyes ( _the same eyes Bertholdt had)_ reflected the flames.

Carl Hoover continued to laugh at him forever.

 

* * *

 

Heart leaping out of his chest as he awoke suddenly, Bertholdt grasped the grubby cloth of the seat beneath him, trying his best to control his breathing. Reiner looked at him, brows lowering apprehensively and mouth drooping. He quickly checked the dark highway that stretched before them, and took one hand off the wheel to place on Bertholdt’s knee. He looked back after seeing there was no other cars.

Bertholdt was still gasping for air. Between hurried pants he remembered his mother’s exercise. Count to three. _Breathe in. One, two, three. Breathe out. Repeat_. He undertook this for a few moments, Reiner’s eyes never leaving him unless to check the road.

After realizing he didn’t need to force his breaths anymore, Bertholdt noticed some other things. His abdomen _burnt_ whenever he slightly moved, his left eye throbbed, and his right leg (just above his knee) stung if turned a certain way. He concluded that the injuries were from his father.

“I’m fine.” Bertholdt quietly stated, looking out the window to the night sky. Reiner’s hand was still on his good knee.

Reiner nodded, even though Bertholdt was looking away. He hesitantly moved his hand to rest against the wheel again. Bertholdt watched the full moon and the stars, silently pleading for Reiner to lay his hand there once more, because it had him warm ( _in the good way_ ) and feeling okay enough to push everything else to the back of his mind.

Music came from the radio, the volume low. It was background noise to all of Bertholdt’s thoughts, the whirring of his brain louder than the lyrics.

 

_(i’m wide open)_

_(but don’t i please you anymore?)_

_(you’re slipping away from me)_

_(you’re drifting away from me.)_

“Where are we?” He asked, speaking over his loud mind.

“We’re near Orvud. Been driving for about...” Reiner checked the clock on the radio. “Four and a half hours. Another half hour and we’ll be there. We can buy some new clothes and fuel up the car – get some food, too, I guess.”

Bertholdt watched Reiner as he spoke slowly. Bags hung from his eyes, and Bertholdt only just realized how tired his friend was.

“I can drive after our stop…”

Reiner forced a small chuckle. “You can barely drive stick shift. But whatever, I want some shut eye. Just don’t crash and kill us.”

Bertholdt half-heartedly smiled at that, which fell away after a few seconds. The two lapsed into silence.

He remembered the silence that had followed his confession hours earlier.

_“You… killed…” Reiner partly repeated, the gears of his brain working like an old machine as he tried to process what Bertholdt, meek and shy Bertholdt, had just admitted._

Reiner hadn’t asked how he’d killed Carl. If he had, Bertholdt wouldn’t have been able to tell him. Not because he didn’t want to – because he couldn’t remember what had happened. Either his brain blocked the memory, only allowing him to _know_ he murdered his own father, or he’d dissociated so horribly at the time that he literally couldn’t remember at all – the evidence was there, anyway.

Bertholdt recalled how Reiner had looked so lost and so, _so_ worried ( _didn’t Bertholdt worry him enough?_ ), and how he suddenly stood up to pace the length of the dirty diner. Reiner had turned to him with a conclusion on his lips.

_“We have to leave.”_

_Bertholdt objected straight after, voice high and incredulous._ “I _am leaving. Not you.”_

 _“What are you going to do if you leave by yourself, Bertholdt? You can’t go back to your place, so you don’t have anything on you. If you start walking right now you won’t last an hour. Even if you do, how do you expect to live off the change in your pockets? We live in the middle of nowhere, remember. You’ll either_ die _or get found out there.” Reiner replied, just as much heat in his voice._

_Bertholdt faltered, on his feet now, and looked out to the window. The weather had increasingly gotten worse. The storm had arrived._

_“Then I’ll let them take me in.” Bertholdt said, feeling Reiner’s hands on both of his shoulders not a second later. The police may be duds in this town, but they wouldn’t ignore a murder case. They’d call in the police from the city, and_ they _would surely get him then._

 _“You can’t do that. You’ll be serving twenty years for nothing. It was_ him _that deserved that, Bertl! He had it fucking coming!” Reiner shouted, golden eyes holding an intensity Bertholdt had never seen before._

_“What’s goin’ on back there?” A gruff voice spoke from the back kitchen, and both boys turned, wide eyed, hearing footsteps stomp to the front bar._

_“We’re leaving,” Reiner said in a hushed voice. He grabbed Bertholdt’s hand and forcefully pulled him along. “Together.”_

So they’d rushed out of the store before the owner had seen them, the rain hitting their backs as they sprinted down the main street, hands clasped together. The wind had been biting at Bertholdt’s showing skin, his hand slipping out of Reiner’s, yet they still held on.

Reiner let go of Bertholdt when they’d reached his house. They snuck into the garage, where the back door was, and Reiner rushed into the house with a promise that he wouldn’t be too long. Bertholdt had sat on one of the worn camper chairs in the back, staring at a spider’s web for about ten minutes while Reiner got money, clothes, and whatever other necessary items they’d need.

Bertholdt was thinking of how badly he’d fucked up his life, and above all, Reiner’s. They would be on the run until they were captured and sentenced to a life in prison, and it was all of Bertholdt’s fault. Yes, Reiner may have made it his own decision to come with, but Bertholdt had allowed it because he had too much of a weak will to stop him.

Reiner came back out and had to shake him to grab his attention. They had made their move after that, taking the rusted 1991 Chevrolet Silverado that’d been passed down to Reiner.

Reiner reassured that his mother didn’t see him. She wasn’t even home, but out working at the grog ‘n’ liquor store. Reiner didn’t have any siblings, just like Bertholdt, and his father lived in the city, so they were in the clear.

And now here they were.

Bertholdt continued to look out of the window, too awake now to get back to sleep. Or maybe it was the suffocating reality of the situation that made him too afraid to close his eyes. In movies and books, usually when a character takes another living person’s life, they go through the stage of ‘My hands will forever be dirty.’

He looked down to his own hands and stared into the lines of his palms. He tried to feel something. Nothing arose. Bertholdt felt absolutely nothing, not the growing feelings he thought he had for Reiner, not even the anxiety he’d had for years. He should have found it terrifying, not being able to go through human emotion. Bertholdt thought it over. Was it better than that overwhelming guilt and hatred he’d felt earlier? Or would that return with full force?

Or would he just be an empty vessel for the rest of his miserable life? Bertholdt didn’t know what he wished for.

The blood he spilled would always be stained on his heart either way.

 

* * *

 

Thirty minutes later they’d moved onto a highway, following the signs that pointed to Orvud. More cars were on this road, which bothered Bertholdt. They were close to a gas station telling by a sign that had just passed, and while it should have lessened the pressure sitting in his stomach, it didn’t.

“We’ll have to be quick.” Reiner said, breaking the long quiet.

“Mhm.” Bertholdt hummed distractedly.

“Don’t overthink everything. All we have to do is get some food and water, and maybe refill the tank. I can do the petrol while you duck in and get the stuff, yeah?”

Bertholdt swallowed. “Yeah. Okay. I can do that.”

He needed to be capable right now for Reiner, even if it felt like he was experiencing a slow mental breakdown that would eventually lead to insanity.

The tip of the gas station’s sign was visible, and the building followed behind it. Reiner pulled into one of the stations. He took out his credit card and wallet, and passed the wallet to Bertholdt. Reiner stared at Bertholdt for a second before he leaned into the back and pulled out the battered cap. He put it on Bertholdt’s head.

“Just in case,” Reiner said.

“Okay. But should you be using your card? Can’t the police track it if you do that?” Bertholdt said, looking at it in Reiner’s hand.

He simply shrugged. “It’ll be fine. We’ll be far away by the time they start lookin’.” And with that he jumped out.

Bertholdt watched him through the car window for a moment before doing the same, clutching the wallet as the bitter smell of petrol surrounded him. He hurriedly walked into the service centre, self-consciously pulling his cap lower over his face.

He wandered through the aisles, grabbing certain foods that would last long, and taking a few water bottles. He also found two hoodies that he hoped would fit himself – they were cheap and made out of thin material, but that didn’t matter. He didn’t want to be using Reiner’s clothes the whole time.

As Bertholdt walked up to the counter in what felt like slow motion, two of the employees chatted behind it. He couldn’t help but think they were talking about him and what he’d done. He placed all the things that were in his arms onto the bench, feeling sweat form as one of the employees turned. She wore a bored expression, but forced a fake smile to stretch her features. The other employee turned back to making sandwiches.

“Hey there, this all ya want today?” She asked, beginning to add up all of the things Bertholdt had chosen.

“That’s all…” He confirmed, touching the rim of his hat. The girl – ‘Hitch’ it said on her nametag – dropped her smile as she concluded the price and typed it into the till. “That’ll be thirty eight ninety.”

Bertholdt fumbled for the wallet, fishing out two twenty dollar bills and handing them over to her. She took them and opened the cash register, placing them into a slot.

“Do ya want these in bags?” Hitch asked. Bertholdt nodded and she complied, grabbing some bags from under the counter. She was still looking at him, studying him with her brown eyes.

“You’re really tall.” She pointed out as if Bertholdt didn’t already know. Hitch continued to place items in the bags.

“Yeah,” he said, not knowing how else to reply to that remark.

“Also, what happened to your eye? I can see the bruise from down here, mister.” She held onto the bags even though she was done filling them.

Before Bertholdt could get worked up, the other employee turned around. “Hitch, stay out of his business.” The boy spoke, frowning at Hitch. She let go off the bags and sighed.

Bertholdt took them, and softly thanked them both. Before he reached the sliding door, the boy with the bowl haircut spoke. “Sorry ‘bout that. Have a nice day.”

When Bertholdt got back to the car, Reiner was already waiting. He had his phone open.

Bertholdt placed the bags on the back seat. “So… I got some food, like apples and packages of chips – some sandwiches, too, and a couple bottles of water…” His voice drifted off as he noticed Reiner hadn’t yet acknowledged his presence.

“Reiner?” Bertholdt said, pushing the keys into the ignition. The car started up with an untrusty hum of the engine.

“Hm? Oh, sorry. I was thinking.” Reiner said, putting his phone back into his pocket.

“Thinking about what?”

“About my dad. He lives in the city. In Marley.”

Bertholdt looked over to him, a questioning look on his face. “I know that already. What are you saying?”

“I’m saying that we should drive there and see him. He would be up to helping us, I know it.”

“Reiner, are you sure? You haven’t seen him in a few years, and to get to Marley from here would take over ten hours… we can’t afford to waste time.”

“Of course I’m sure. We’ve been talking over the phone and he’s fine now. So it most certainly _won’t_ be a waste of time, because he’ll be able to get us through this.” Reiner snapped.

Bertholdt sighed exasperatedly. Reiner always won. “Okay. Fine. But we should stay somewhere for the rest of the night and drive tomorrow.”

Reiner agreed, and Bertholdt drove around the town to find an inn. They came across a scummy looking hotel, and decided that it would do. For the night it would cost them only twenty five dollars, so they took the key the owner gave to them and payed up. Their room number was 8.

Inside was okay. It may have smelt like smoke, and the ground and walls were bare which made it look like a prison cell, but at least the beds were clean. Not much was spoken between them, and they eventually went to bed, Bertholdt’s phone set with an alarm at five in the morning.

 

* * *

 

The loud ringing sounded beside his ear, and Bertholdt groaned. He turned over in the bed, waiting thirty seconds before sitting up and tapping the alarm off. He looked over to Reiner’s bed, and saw that he was also struggling to get up. It took Bertholdt a few moments to remember what reality they were in, and when he did remember it brought back the dull sickness in his stomach he’d had since his father’s murder.

A lopsided smile made its way onto Reiner’s face once he got up and spotted Bertholdt awake. “Morning, sunshine.”

The smile dropped quickly and Reiner blinked his eyes a few times, obviously still trying to wake up. Or maybe he was remembering the conflict of yesterday.

Bertholdt huffed. He rubbed his face and stood up, moving towards their bags and pulling out the hoodie he’d bought yesterday. He also took a pair of Reiner’s jeans.

“I’m having a shower,” He mumbled, and went to the small bathroom that came along with the room. Taking off his bloody clothes felt good, and was the first step to feeling clean. He let the hot water of the shower rush down his skin, and although it made him feel cleaner again, it wasn’t enough.

Reiner freshened up in the bathroom after him. When Reiner came back out they ate some of the food Bertholdt had bought yesterday. Few words were said, just like the night before, and a terrible concept came to Bertholdt’s mind. _Would they always be like this now? Because of what he’d done?_

It was still fresh in his mind when they jumped back into the car. The hotel room’s keys were handed back in and the bags all packed. Bertholdt was driving again, and Reiner was leaning against the passenger seat, eye lids growing heavier by the second. It was only 6:14, the clock in the car told Bertholdt, and they’d fallen asleep around 1 AM – so Reiner only had around four or five hours of sleep.

Bertholdt could tell he wasn’t sleeping from his irregular breathing, and he was sure Reiner’s eyes were still open – but he kept his main attention focused on the road. It was important to do so as it _was_ true he wasn’t great at driving manual.

A couple signs that meant nothing to him passed. He drove around a carcass of an animal that had been run over. Bertholdt really did try to focus on the road, but _that_ thought resurfaced.

_Would they always be like this now? Quiet and uncomfortable around each other…_

A rabbit unexpectedly pounced from the trees and hopped straight onto the road. Bertholdt slammed his foot on the break, and felt his body lurch forward and seatbelt press into his neck as they stopped. He heard Reiner give a small shout, eyes opening and arms flinging wildly. Bertholdt saw the bunny hop off innocently as panic settled in.

“What – Bertholdt, _what the hell_?” Reiner seethed, hands gesturing to the windscreen as he turned to him.

Bertholdt barely heard the words Reiner spoke as perspiration made his skin clammy, shaky hands trying to unbuckle the tight seatbelt.

“I need to breathe,” Bertholdt said shortly. Reiner physically calmed, and he reached over Bertholdt to undo the buckle for him. Once Bertl was free, he pushed open the door and stepped out. He held his hands atop his head to let air reach his lungs easier. _One, two, three… breathe…_

Reiner appeared in his line of vision, face unreadable. They stood on the side of the road.

“Are you okay?” Reiner said.

“You ask me that too much.” Bertholdt said in between breaths.

“Because you get into trouble all the time.”

Silence. The two stared at each other, a growing fear in Bertholdt’s eyes and a stubborn softness in Reiner’s.

“Are you scared of me?” Bertholdt questioned, arms falling back to his sides. “I killed my father. I nearly killed us. Are you scared that I could lose control again and kill you?” He stared down at Reiner and watched his façade crumble.

Reiner remembered simpler times, when the two of them would hang by the old park. Reiner would push Bertholdt on the swings, and he would do the same for Reiner. They made up a game – Who can climb the slide the fastest? – and would play pirates on the abandoned boat that had been for sale for a number of years, forever laying by the outskirts of the playground. He remembered gentle and small Bertl as he’d kiss Reiner’s knee when it got scratched up from the play equipment, when he would hold his hand when they went on the double swings, when he’d lay next to him and pick out clouds that looked like animals.

“I could never be afraid of you, Bertl.” Reiner said, and although that was all he’d need to say for Bertholdt to believe him, he continued. “I don’t think you could ever purposely kill someone, unless they’re evil, I guess… but listen, you’re my best friend and always have been. I could never just hate you, or be afraid of you… I don’t think anyone who’s met you could. I mean, you nearly crashed the car because of a damn rabbit. You’re not a killer.”

Bertholdt was quiet for a moment, and he looked away, feeling one of the first solid emotions since yesterday. It was…

“Thank you. Thank you for everything.” Tears should have been filling his eyes, but they did not. He instead pulled Reiner into a hug. “You’re the only person I have left.”

Reiner’s arms wound around Bertholdt’s back, pulling them closer together. He rested his face beneath Bertl’s chin, and they stood like that for a while. It was nice, and made it easy to forget everything else in the world.

It was Reiner to pull away first, looking almost bashful when he declared that they should get on the move again.

Once they’d sat back down in the car and were back on the highway (Bertholdt was still driving – Reiner trusted him), Reiner spoke up.

“So, I guess I jinxed you.”

“Huh?”

“You almost crashed, but didn’t kill us. So it was more of a half-jinx.” Reiner grinned.

Bertholdt laughed hysterically for what felt like the first time in forever despite the poor humour. “Be quiet or I may actually crash next time.”

Reiner let out a little chuckle but did quieten after that. Roughly ten minutes later Bertholdt looked over to see he passed out, snoring soundly. He had forgotten to ask if Reiner was alright.

An hour passed, then another, and then two more, and Bertholdt was finally relaxing in the driver’s seat. They were back in a busy highway, but he ignored the traffic and thought about Reiner.

The latter teen had recently waken up, aimlessly looking at the cars through his window. They’d shared a few words between each other, but the mood was placid.

Reiner took his phone from his pocket suddenly, looking like he’d just remembered something. Bertholdt glimpsed him doing so. “What are you doing?”

“Checking if they have any news about us,” Reiner replied quickly.

“Oh. Okay.”

“I checked when we were at the gas station last night. There was nothing.” Reiner continued. He was scrolling through a site. It looked like it was Shiganshina’s website for the town’s newspaper.

“So do you think they’ve found out yet?” Bertholdt asked, gripping the steering wheel tighter.

Reiner was looking down at the phone. He had stopped scrolling, and severely turned to Bertholdt.

“They have. Pull over.”

An audible gasp slipped past Bertholdt’s lips, and he put his blinker on to park on the side of the highway. He didn’t give a shit if it was illegal to park in the specific spot.

Once the engine was off, Bertholdt leant over. His heart hammered as he read over the news headline – and read it again to make sure he wasn’t hallucinating.

_Murder investigation under way after man found dead in Shiganshina._

“Oh god,” Bertholdt covered his mouth. He scanned through the article.

_“His head was brutally smashed in, confirming that he was murdered, though the man was barely recognizable in his condition. We have yet to find the murder weapon. Late last night a neighbour found him like that when she was returning something she’d lent.” chief Dok spoke._

_Investigators from the Marley police division later confirmed him to be Carl Hoover, a well-known retired politician who had moved to Shiganshina to settle down with his wife. They raised a child named Bertholdt Hoover in the small town. Mrs. Hoover passed away in 2007, leaving only Mr. Hoover and his child. They were the only ones that lived in the house, and it is reported that the son is missing. The police have gone through certain theories that Mr. Hoover’s son may have also been killed, yet they put Bertholdt down as a suspect. For now police are searching for the 16-year-old, either dead or alive._

Bertholdt sat back, face straight, mouth in a thin line. He didn’t dare to look at the rest, for he’d seen enough. There’d been a picture of him and his father and his _mother_ , and –

He couldn’t think about it any longer. Reiner turned off his phone.

“Bertholdt, you–” he began, catching himself. He pulled at his jacket’s strings, looking shocked. “We’re going to Marley. My dad will help us.” Reiner said, although he didn’t seem too confident. Bertholdt grasped the driving wheel again, mostly for comfort.

“Right. But there’s one _little_ thing. That’s where the Marley police come from, Reiner.” Bertholdt said, heavy sarcasm leaking in his voice.

“Yes – but the city is huge, and we could start something there – we could work and get some more money, and then go to another place–”

“Reiner! God, they know my face and they’ll eventually know yours too. We can’t just waltz into any place and land a job, especially if our names ever get on any bigger news outlets.”

Reiner sighed. “It’ll be fine. We can go to the quiet part of the city and get one. M’ dad will know where that is. I told you before, he’s the only person that can help us right now.”

Bertholdt suddenly hit the wheel with his palm, staring at his lap as his hand tingled. He hated acting out in anger, it was rare for him, but here he was, burning in all of the sudden emotion. After a full moment of thinking, he gave in. Reiner _always_ won.

Why was his will so weak?

Why was he so weak?

“Shit. Okay. To Marley, then.” Bertholdt said through his teeth, officially defeated.

He didn’t look back to Reiner, but Bertholdt knew that he’d only look twice as shocked now at Bertholdt’s outburst.

The engine started once more, yet it felt like Bertholdt’s heart had stopped, and the drive to Marley continued.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the lyrics i used at the start are from the song [wide open by the chemical brothers.](https://https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BC2dRkm8ATU/)
> 
> hope you enjoyed!


	3. terminus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reiner and Bertholdt make it to the big city - Marley.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh my god!!! it's been forever and i'm terribly sorry. idk if i'll always be consistent with updates but i really don't want to give up on this fic. i have no excuse for the two month wait, and hh!! sorry everyone.
> 
> here's the next chapter. it may be a bit boring, but we delve more into reiner's and bert's characters, and they finally make it to marley. it's here to progress the story, but yeah. i hope you enjoy anyway :)!

Colours blurred past the car window. Grass fields full of cows, ancient houses, tall trees that blocked the sun, passed by – it went on forever. The music that came from the radio was quiet, and the loudest sound in Bertholdt’s ears was the noise of everything passing.

His back was stiff from driving, and his chest felt constricted, that boiling rage from before still sitting in his rib cage. Tired eyes moved focus from the road and looked at the clock. It was noon – he’d been driving for six hours since they left the hotel in Orvud.

It was only when Bertholdt had gone back to day dreaming again that Reiner suddenly awoke. In Bertholdt’s peripherals Reiner was rubbing his face, and leaning in to check the clock. He seemed to stare at it for a while before summing up just how long Bertholdt had been driving.

“Oh, Bertl,” Reiner said, pressing another hand to his face, “I over slept. You’ve been driving for ages.”

Bertholdt shrugged slightly. “It’s fine.” His voice was wispy and old sounding. He blinked a number of times to bat away blurriness. “It’s nice to focus on something.”

Reiner placed his hands into his jacket’s pockets. “But you’ll need a rest soon. We still have ‘nother four hours or so.”

“The next place I see we can park at, we’ll swap.” Bertholdt said. He couldn’t be bothered arguing with him.

Reiner distractedly tapped his thigh, looking out the window. He pressed down on the door’s window button to slide down the glass, letting in a burst of fresh, cool air. “It smells really stale in here.” Reiner spoke, the wind hitting his face and brushing through his hair.

“ _You_ smell stale. You should have showered longer.” Bertholdt said beneath his breath.

Reiner leaned over to Bertholdt, his eye brows raised and eyes playfully offended. “Excuse me? Just because I had a short shower this mornin’ does not mean I am stale-smelling.”

“I didn’t even hear the shower run when you were in there.” Bertholdt replied, trying his best to hide a small smile. He felt some of that anger from before dissipate.

“If you were in the bathroom with me, maybe you would’ve,” Reiner said, then quickly continued, “And you’re basically, er, half deaf anyway.”

Bertholdt’s grin broke free of its restraints, and he shook his head. The thought of being in the same room as a showering Reiner had him slightly flustered.

“I guess you’re not wrong. I’m especially deaf on the phone.” Bertholdt’s smile widened.

Reiner laughed out loud now. “Oh my _god_ , you’re terrible on the phone! I swear I have to repeat myself at least fifty times every time we call.”

“Well, it’s hard to hear over all your heavy breathing.” Bertholdt chuckled.

Reiner guffawed. Bertholdt looked at him, his eyes bright. “I mean, you were snoring _heavily_ just now.”

“Don’t you dare lie to me – I haven’t snored since I was, like, eight.”

“Are you sure of that?” Bertholdt teased.

Reiner opened his mouth, closed it, and opened it again. “Hey – there’s a parking lot up ahead.”

Bertholdt’s eyes hardened as he squinted to see up ahead, the light mood suddenly gone. There was in fact a small parking lot, next to what appeared to be an old church. The roof was pointed and tall, and the building was made of faded brick. Greenery had grown in the details of the walls, and there was a large stained glass window above a grand, precisely carved wooden door.

He flicked the indicator on to turn right, and pulled into the empty area. He slowly parked into a space, and stretched his back as he turned off the car. Reiner was looking at the church before them.

Bertholdt sighed and opened the door, dragging his body off the chair to have a proper stretch. His limbs ached and worked as if they were rusted metal. Reiner got out, too, yet looked back at the church as he leant against the car.

Upon following Reiner’s line of vision, Bertholdt took in the large glass panel of stained glass. In the centre of the piece stood a man, supposedly God, with a laying lamb at his feet. The midday sun reflected off the piece precisely, projecting the colours of it onto the ground in front of the church.

Turning back to look at Reiner, he could see now that the colours of the stained glass reached his face too – greens, blues, reds. Bertholdt thought Reiner looked beautiful in that moment, with his face full of colour.

Then Reiner was looking at him, and the world snapped back into place. Bertholdt quickly looked past Reiner, playing it off that he was looking at something in the far distance.

“Okay, stretched enough?” Reiner said, walking around the front of the car. Bertholdt murmured a small affirmative, and went to the opposite side of the Chevrolet.

They were back on the long highway within the minute. Bertholdt unconsciously smiled as he thought of Reiner. He thought of how beautiful Reiner was, with or without the colours. As he opened some of the food that was bought the previous day, and later, when he fell asleep, Bertholdt was still thinking of Reiner.

 

* * *

 

Bertholdt felt something pressing into his arm, and his heavy eyelids fluttered open to see Reiner jabbing at him. Everything was too bright, yet the contrast turned down as he twisted and stared past the windscreen, at the city line laid out before them. Bertholdt quickly realised they were only just driving out of a suburb and into Marley, where the skyscrapers stood tall. There were many cars behind and in front of them, and Bertholdt rubbed his eyes to look further into the city.

The afternoon sun hit the glass of the looming buildings, and signs flashed from the fronts of restaurants and small stores. Hundreds of diverse people wandered along the sidewalks, and honks could be heard from cars stuck in traffic.

Bertholdt was in a small half-awake daze as he looked out at this new scene. “Wow.”

“Yeah. My dad lives on the other side of the city. It could be another hour until we get there, if we get into a traffic jam.” Reiner said, bringing Bertholdt back.

Bertholdt’s forehead creased in thought. “Why did you wake me up if it’s going to take another hour, then?” He asked, a little irked.

“I know you haven’t been to a city or anything before, so… I thought you’d like to have a good look before we get there. But – but you can get some more sleep. I’m not stopping you.” Reiner said, trying to focus on the road.

Police sirens went off a few streets across, which bit into Bertholdt’s anxiety. “Uhm, I don’t think I’ll be able to get to sleep now anyway. Don’t worry.”

“Alright. Sorry. I’m also sorry if I zone out, or whatever. I haven’t really driven in a busy city before. Gotta focus.” Reiner said. At a red light they rolled to a stop as many other vehicles passed through the intersection. Reiner looked down to his phone. It was on the Google Maps app.

Bertholdt also looked down, and offered, “I can hold the GPS for you – if you want.”

Reiner checked to see if the traffic lights had turned to green, then nodded. “That’d be heaps of help. Thanks Bertl.” Bertholdt smiled slightly, picking up the phone and pointing out the next turn.

At times Bertholdt would be late in telling Reiner the directions – the city was distracting, _inspiring_. He thought they really _could_ start a life here. Reiner’s father would help them, and they’d forget about their past and live their life. Bertholdt may have felt differently when Reiner told him this, but this time around Bertholdt actually had hope. It was their only choice, either way.

They may have skipped town before finishing their senior year, yet… there was so much to do in this world. Being with Reiner helped Bertholdt realize that. If they’d finished school in Shiganshina, they would have never gotten out of that stinking town ( _he wouldn’t have gotten away from his father_ ). But – out here – they could become different people and _grow_. Thinking about it was easy, but Bertholdt knew that it’d be difficult and trying to get away from the past.

 _With Reiner it’ll be easier,_ he thought.

_Life is easier with him._

“Bertholdt, any turns up ahead?”

“Huh? Uh – uhm, nope.” Bertholdt quickly said, his ears going pink. He fiddled with the phone in his hands, looking at the destination that was marked. The app told him they still had another 15 minutes until they reached their destination, without traffic.

The street that Reiner’s father lived in was 104th Avenue, a seemingly small street that Reiner said was in the more ‘dodgy’ areas of Marley. He also said that Bertholdt needn’t to be worried, but Bertholdt couldn’t help it. His palms felt greasy against the phone’s screen.

The 15 minutes passed quickly. Possibly too quick for Bertholdt’s liking. He was increasingly getting sweatier, and it was when he told Reiner to turn one more left that _everything_ came crushing back down onto his shoulders.

The unit complexion was _right there_.

The buildings in this area were in worse condition than the ones in the centre of the city – they were dirty and damaged. Barely any people lumbered about, and those who did looked like they’d beat you up and steal all of your belongings just for glancing at them.

“It’s this one, right?” Reiner asked.

“Yes.” Bertholdt shortly answered, for his breathing had picked up.

The car pulled into one of the few parking spaces. Reiner turned the ignition off. They stared at the grey building. It was three stories high, with tinted windows and shabby balconies that looked like they were as supportive as a tower of cards.

Reiner placed his hand on the door handle while Bertholdt tasted bile. “… Reiner. I can’t. We can’t.”

Reiner looked at him, golden eyes reminding Bertholdt of the flames he’d seen in his nightmare. “We have to. He’s my father and he’ll help.” He gratingly stated, yet that flame in his eyes faltered.

“I know… it’s hard for you to trust people.” Reiner softened, deciding to stare at the dark building complex in front of them. “But you just have to this time. You have to trust _me_.”

Silence fell on their ears. There was a distant, muffled yell from one of the shady alleyways they’d passed earlier, yet it was ignored. Bertholdt heard a long cat mew – it sounded close to their car.

“I… I’ll try to, okay? I’ll try for you.” Bertholdt finally answered. “For you…”

Dimples were carved into Reiner’s cheeks as he smiled. He placed a hand close to Bertholdt’s neck, on his shoulder. He pat there gently. “We’ll be fine.”

_We’ll be fine._

Bertholdt touched his finger tips to the hand on his neck. It was an easy, affectionate touch. Neither of them moved, and their eyes locked. It was an intimate moment in spite of the area they were surrounded by.

Bertholdt felt his body slide closer. He didn’t do anything to stop it – because it felt so natural. Their noses were inches apart, and Bertholdt could smell the cheap cologne Reiner wore. It was musky and warm in the car… Reiner’s eye lids drooped… they were so close… and Bertholdt leant back, lifting Reiner’s hand off of him. He cleared his throat, and nodded to himself _(he couldn’t do this right now. not now. Reiner didn’t, couldn't feel like that for him. it was an illusion)._ He opened the car door and stood immediately.

Bertholdt, his heart thumping loudly, walked up to the front gate and entered the courtyard. He heard Reiner’s car door opening and closing. Bertholdt checked the apartment numbers on the mailboxes by the front, and the names beside each room number, pushing back the confusing emotions floating in his head.

_Heinrich Braun, Room 16._

Bertholdt took a deep breath, and continued walking. He passed room 1. Then room 2... 3… 4…

And ended up at the end of the path, facing room 16. Reiner’s footsteps sounded behind him, and slowed to a stop, right beside Bertholdt. The two looked at each other _(an illusion)._ Reiner wore a stern expression.

Reiner looked away first, and his fist was raised – poised to knock. His fist connected with the door.

_Tap. Tap. Tap._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my friend kate helped with reiner's dad's name ;)


End file.
